I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

A jar that weighs just 125gms! 

Ok... So I didn't win the bottle, I bought it.  I am adventurous with food that way. 

But seriously, you gotta try a bit of this specimen for it to hit you! That flood of memory.  Of all those jokes about British food.  Including the one about Hell is where the British are the chefs.  Am not even gonna bother getting into that comment by a certain French President.

But you know what, the British are certainly not helping their cause when they call their food the following:

1)  Eton mess
See right there.  Its like the British are screaming 'I don't care what it looks like or what its called.  I'll eat it anyway'.  Although for such a messy visual appeal, the dessert itself is quite delightful. You don't have to have a sweet tooth like I do to like this dessert consisting of a mixture of strawberries, pieces of meringue and cream.  But ofcourse the cheese cake will always remain my favourite.

 2)  Fool
Nope!  As much as it suggests cannibalism, this is not a puréed stupid human being that the British relish having for dessert.  But rather an English dessert generally made by mixing puréed fruit, whipped cream, sugar, and possibly a flavouring agent like rose water. Google it if you don't beleive me!  Discovered it at the dessert section at Asda.  Nothing much to write home about.  Tastes a lot like mousse.

3) Spotted Dick.
Can you imagine the popularity of a gal who might go to bar and express annoyance over delayed service?  'What does a gal do to get a Spotted Dick here?' Just the sort of purchase that is definitely a till-point conversation starter!!!  Just for the heck of it am gonna go to uppity M&S and see if they have tins of these benign puddings

4) Toad in the Hole.
Nah!  It's neither a frog nor a toad or any other reptilian creature but just sausages thrown about in Yorkshire pudding batter.  Bland.  Tried it with different sauces.  Safe to say, you won't be able to convince me to try it again.

5) Bubble and Squeak:
Don't ask me why I ordered this dish at a restaurant where mains were priced at £15, even though I fully knew that this was something the British made at home using leftovers of the previous night. The waitress said it was potato with cabbage in it.  Food adventurer that I am, went ahead and ordered it to go with the Main. Nah!  Won't try it again. Yes, totally not recommending it! But, really the main point.... why would you call it that?  There was neither a bubble in it nor did it squeak while I ate it!

6) Faggots:
See that's just plain wrong.  Imagine your head going 'Am gonna get a piece of that faggot'. No No.  Besides why would you call food that sounds so much like insects that crawl on dead bodies. Eek!


7) Crackling
Nah. Nah.  Your argument that if some food can be called Crackers then its perfectly ok to call another type Crackling is invalid!

Clearly, when it comes to food, the British are rebellious.  They seem to be screaming ''OK.  So we didn't get the taste or looks right, so what does it matter what we call it?'

Out goes the Ayurveda principle that says food should appeal, not only to your sense of taste, but also your sense of sight and smell! Oh well!

Keep Calm and Drink Tea

Working evening shifts gives you some insights into strange Brit habits.  Like when someone buys pasta or a whole roast chicken and say 'That'll do me for Tea', it kinda makes you wonder about certain people's culinary choices.  Or if an old colleague takes a 1 hour long 'tea break' everyday, you are wont to turn around to your Polish colleague and go 'Man, she does take an awful lot of time to drink her cuppa, doesn't she?'

And all those ads for Afternoon Tea and High Tea at hotels make you think 'What the hell'? Especially if it comes with a price tag of £25 like the one at the Balmoral, Edinburgh.  Really?  That much for a brew even if you are sitting your bum at a luxury five star hotel?

But guess what? 'Tea' may not necessarily refer to the brew.  It could just be a substitute for the word 'Dinner'.  I asked about this habit to a Brit colleague and he rubbed his chin, deep in thought. 'Hmmm.. I wouldn't really call it dinner unless I am out with family or friends dining at a restaurant'. 

So don't be surprised like the way I was when you go out for 'tea'.  For, at the Balmoral, tea is served last.  First comes the soup, very suspiciously called Cullen SKINK, followed by scones, then a pile of finger sandwiches and finally cakes and ice creams.  All served in a typical High Tea tray.  Tea is only served at the end when you slump back in your seat kinda happy about the 'meal'. Some of the things you will be served with strange names:

Oat bread:  A tasteless thin cracker-like biscuit. Spread butter on it and eat it with the Skink. Curl your mouth in disgust.

Shortbread: Again a biscuit that suspiciouly looks like unbaked flour shaped into rectangular shapes. All white. As if the baker forgot to put it in the oven.  But it doesn't taste all that bad!

Flapjack:  A thicker version of the Oat bread!  Only this one has some semblance of flavour. 

I wonder if I should be upset that the hotel didn't have checkered table cloths and covered my tea pot with a tea-cosy to keep it warm while I had my meal... uh.. had my tea (not the brew!).

 

Well, atleast now I no longer frown, wondering disapprovingly about the frugal habits of the Scots when my friend texts back saying 'Away out for tea for bro's birthday'.